there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
