On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
