This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
