maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
