It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
