come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
jump out the window naked night went bad
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
