Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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