I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
