if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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