peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
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