tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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