Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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