Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
