Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
