Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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