What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
