she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
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