I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
