I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
