Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
false alarm, still single
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
