after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
