According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
