Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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