Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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