While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
