This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
