my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
