I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
