I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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