I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
