Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
