Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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