just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
