Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
