I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
