i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
