I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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