goodnight i made you a song goodbye
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
