maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
