Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
