omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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