Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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