I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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