I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
