Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
