i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just invented taco cereal.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
