he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He felt like a one man threesome
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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