Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
