when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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