so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
