Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My vagina is very pro this idea
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
