Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
