Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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